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Being poly and only dating one person

I have been polyamorous for nearly two years and, yet, for almost the whole of that time I have only been in one relationship.

I love meeting new people. I am always coming across interesting people in my social circles and I feel very lucky to have made, and be making, some marvellous connections amongst all of that. But one thing that has not happened so far is another relationship.

Recently, after another few very average dates, I spent some time identifying what my fears were.

There was a fear of permanence. That this situation will NEVER change, that I will never meet anyone who is willing to embrace me and my non-hierarchical approach to poly.

There was a fear of being unappealing. That, by not attracting anyone else, I would become less attractive to my current partner. There was also a related fear that maybe I was doing something unconsciously to prevent new partners coming into my life.

There was a fear of scarcity. That there just are not enough people that I will be compatible with.

The fears are partly based on things that are real (the poly community, and the amount of openness to it as a model, is still tiny, if growing) but they are also things that I am not in control of and which affect us all, monogamous or non-monogamous, to greater or lesser degrees.

On closer inspection, they are fears related to myself. They are evidence of the need for more work to be done on how I see myself as well as a need for a greater degree of creativity and openness in how I get my needs met. As well as a much deeper acceptance that they may not be.

I also realised that, ultimately, I can not be other than who and how I am. If I don’t meet anyone else then that is absolutely okay with me. I embrace my life as it is. I love the very fulfilling relationship, friendships and connections I have and, if I do not have another full relationship, then I can accept that. I am happy as I am and, partly because I can see the need for and am willing to do the work outlined above, I feel excited about discovering what life has in store for me in the time to come…

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2 thoughts on “Being poly and only dating one person

  1. I like the personal tone of this, and the recognition that very little is – or can be – cut-and-dried.

    I spent a few months going to a weekly Encounter Group in the mid-seventies. There was only one rule: “Always speak for yourself and never for other people.” So – like everyone else – I had to speak honestly about myself and my insecurities while others listened and responded. I had to tell the truth – which was a huge strain at times.

    I was always intensely nervous before I arrived at the group, and nervous for most of the time I was there. But I always left the session feeling different: certainly more clear-headed and, eventually, more socially confident. Very little was immediately resolved; there were no blinding flashes of insight or inspiration. But there was change in me over time. I’d been ridiculously nervous with women before I started attending the group. By the time it finished – because attendance inevitably petered out – I wasn’t quite the tongue-tied fool I’d started out as. I suppose I’d become much less defensive of my ego. In fact, I think my post-session periods of clarity and calm were actually what hippies used to call ‘ego-loss’.

    So I very much agree with this:

    “… they are fears related to myself. They are evidence of the need for more work to be done on how I see myself as well as a need for a greater degree of creativity and openness in how I get my needs met. As well as a much deeper acceptance that they may not be.

    I also realised that, ultimately, I can not be other than who and how I am.”

  2. Thanks so much for the honest, open and thoughtful feedback. Speak for yourself and not for others is valuable advice and something I try to always do in my writing. It is about sharing not telling πŸ™‚ Thanks again πŸ™‚ Anita x

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